When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
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Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Thursday Thought.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana