Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

(more comics:

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

the noise i just made

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.