When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
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[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
