When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
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If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.