When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
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Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft