Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate