Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

Mmmm canned fish.

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.