When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
What’s the point buying it then?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.