Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.