When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
me
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi