When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Confused owl: What?!
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
look scared
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Grow up never but we old may grow we
584.
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no