When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*