When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.