Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

Eating for two.

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

Self-cleaning conscience

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

Woke up with morning Yule Log

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

Bear knowledge

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!