When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
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i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.