When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
You Might Also Like
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
a New Yorker reject, for you
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.