Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

unbelievably distressed by this ad

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit