When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
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Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Trumpy Cat
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything