When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
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Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
real
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
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An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.