When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
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If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”