When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
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Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.
Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
satan: not today, microsoft teams
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife