Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

sweet dreams💖

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

couldn’t resist

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.