Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple