Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

is there nothing we can trust anymore

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”

“Why?”

“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.