Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

nothing saves money like being antisocial

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.