When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
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I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
i think both sides are to blame here
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
In space, no one can hear…
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.