Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

Mmmm canned fish.