When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
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Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
Thank you corporation very cool
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Meow
