When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
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Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Important
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
my astrological sign is a french fry
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
The point of your 20s
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now