When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
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Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
You had me at “define legal”.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay