When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
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Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.