When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
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I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
🙂🐾
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.