when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
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i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
