when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
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Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.