when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
You Might Also Like
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
who wants to go expliring
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free