@dadmann_walking

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

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@TheAlexNevil

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

@UnfilteredMama

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

@MNateShyamalan

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

@zachreinert03

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

@CantWaitToNap

I only buy the essentials on Amazon.

*Opens new Night Vision Goggle Kit*

@shivkumarrx

What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant????
#RT

@MarfSalvador

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

@9GAG

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

@jessokfine

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.