I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
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Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Dog *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me *wincing*: thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Cannot stop laughing at this
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.