@dadmann_walking

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

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@0point5twins

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

@gigi_k1

Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk

@Cpin42

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

@L8yK8y

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

@iamspacegirl

Dog *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.

Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me *wincing*: thank you
Cat: damn right thank you

@ch000ch

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

@iwearaonesie

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

@JohnLyonTweets

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.