when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
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This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
If you love someone, let them sleep.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I’m listening
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?