when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
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2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*