When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Look at this
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
