Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.

Life is fair, people are not.

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

this FaceApp is creepy af

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.