“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
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Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
My Sentiments Exactly
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again