“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
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you will never know the true number of layers
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her: