“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
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Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Sending in my taxes
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
How did we not see this back then?
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
The Assassin.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.