When news reporters do sports stories
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‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I’m not sorry.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon