when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
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[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face