when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
You Might Also Like
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this