When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
You Might Also Like
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security