When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
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It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Your secret is safeish with me
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I hate everything
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
i wish i could marry a nap
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.