when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
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I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.