Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt