when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
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What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?