Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.