Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
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When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
They’re stuck in your pants?