when nothing goes right… go left
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Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
*3.5 thank you very much.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Morning.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman