When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
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I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Why is this me 😫
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Truly one of the great bangers
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.