When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
You Might Also Like
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Best spot.. 😅
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)