When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
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Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.