Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

Go gym

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”