When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
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Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*