When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
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NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Science is fun!
#nottrue
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
sry
