When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
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HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.