When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Florida man
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
pain
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.