When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally