Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

My diet starts in January

of 2027

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

crochet youtube is brutal

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

I try

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.