When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
it was a valiant fight
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.