Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

Nose

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁