When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
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Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line