Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”

Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)

“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”

Him: “So hot”

Me: *resumes eating ice cream

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.