“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
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If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
never forget
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂