When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
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ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no