When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
You Might Also Like
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
He has no idea 🤡
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Getting married soon just need a spouse